You know, I realized the other day that my postings have become more space fillers and much less me. I mean I still post them myself, but I haven't had much to say lately. I guess that is because I have been so absorbed in my own thoughts and plans. You see, one week from today I will no longer live alone. That may seem like no big deal to the majority of the population, but it is a tremendous event in my life. Outside of family, I have never lived with anyone. Through college it was less expensive and easier to live with my dad and once I moved out on my own, it was alone. Oh sure, Kimmye and I talked at one point about being roommates but it never happened. So you see, I have only lived with people that HAD to put up with me. For those of you that are like me, you can understand what I am talking about when I say that I am a little nervous about someone else being around all the time. Now before you think that I am having second thoughts about living with someone let me explain. What I mean to say is that I am nervous about someone actually dealing with the way I am when I am at home. I am not a slob or some kind of freak when I am alone, I just take advantage of the solitude. When I get ready for work, well no one is around so I may walk around in my skivvies (or less), I belch out loud after I drink a coke, I fart and scratch and do any number of things that might offend someone else if they were to witness them. Not the most lady-like behaviour I realize and that is part of what is racking my nerves. Okay, so I know that he loves me and is simply crazy about me and I feel the same about him, but will he really be able to handle me? He says that he will, when I express these things to him, but you know I still wonder. I guess that is just my subtle insecurities creeping into my head. I mean common sense (and Fu-Fu) both tell me that he loves me for who I am inside and out. That all of these things are part of why he fell in love with me. I guess I am just nervous about taking this next big step in my life. But BELIEVE ME - the excitement and joy that I know will come with it FAR out weigh the nervousness I feel. He is such an amazing person! He accepts me the way I am and wants nothing more than to live a simple, happy life with me. Can you imagine? Me? Of all people, someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me. That is just unbelievable to me. And trust me, it took a lot of floor pacing and sleepless nights for me to actually accept that idea. Oh sure, on the outside I am a confident, self-assured young woman, but on the inside I am that 14 year old over-weight girl that gets ridiculed in the hall and hit on the school bus everyday by the neighborhood bully. (To this day I still hate that kid!) I have a hard time accepting that people might actually want to hang out with me. Okay, okay, I know - enough with the self pity and loathing. I am just trying to help you understand the frame of mind that I reside in.

So back to Fu-Fu. Hopefully now you can understand better how hard it was for me to accept the fact that some smart, funny, handsome, intelligent man would actually want to spend time with me. And then once he did actually see me in real life and spend a few days with me, want to spend MORE time with me - to the point where he has now expressed interest in the ultimate sacrifice of actually wanting to spend the rest of his natural life with me. Can you imagine that? Well since you don't know me or him, I guess it isn't that remarkable of an idea for you. I am simply flabber-gasted every time he tells me that he loves me, every time he tells me how much he wants to be with me, every time he talks about our future together (home, children, simple life plans). And trust me, I take every opportunity I have to tell him how much he means to me and that I am thankful he is a part of my life. I mean, he is simple wonderful! How on earth could I not love someone who is so interested in all the same things in life that I am? We have so many common interests and goals, but enough diversity to keep things interesting.

I guess the gist of this entry is just to get my thoughts down once and for all and to tell him how much I truly love him and that I too want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I love you Bradley!

Squeeky